As many as 90 percent of adults admit to feeling inhibited in certain social situations. Nevertheless, parents find it painful to watch when shyness deprives their child of the pleasure of meeting new people and experiencing new situations and activities. Most toddlers and preschoolers will go through periods of shyness at one stage or another and eventually outgrow their shyness.
HOW CAN I TELL WHETHER MY CHILD IS SHY?
While there is no scientific definition of shyness in children, shy children react in the following characteristic ways when exposed to strangers and novel situations:
• They cling to their mother or another familiar person.
• Their speech and play are extremely restrained.
• The are frightened of new, noisy toys.
• They avoid dangerous activities.
• They are completely unaggressive.
• They avoid unfamiliar children.
• They may be unusually obedient to their parents.
WHAT CAUSES SHYNESS?
No single cause of shyness has been identified. Some intriguing patterns, however, have emerged from long-range studies of how children's reactions to strangers and novel situations change over several years.
For example, beginning at a very early age, individual babies tend to respond characteristically to strange situations with either fearfulness or boldness. An estimated 20 percent of infants are born with what researchers call a temperamental bias toward shyness and timidity; their nervous systems seem to be more easily aroused than those of more uninhibited children. As further evidence of this nervous system excitability, many (but not all) children with shy temperaments were markedly irritable and had particularly erratic sleep patterns as infants.
Why do some children outgrow shyness while others remain shy? No one really knows. No specific parenting style has been linked to shyness in children, but evidence suggests that certain environmental stress factors play a role. These can include prolonged hospitalization or chronic discord within the family (between siblings, between parents or between parent and child). Researchers suggest that if such chronic stressors are absent, a child with a temperamental bias toward shyness will probably become more outgoing as the years pass.
IS MEDICAL ATTENTION NECESSARY?
Although shyness is a perfectly normal style of behavior that causes few serious problems for most children, it can, in some cases, indicate the need for help from a mental-health professional, such as a child psychologist or psychiatrist. Consult with the pediatrician if your child's shyness severely limits participation in the usual activities of other children the same age. Also, a few sessions of counseling may be helpful if you have trouble dealing with your child's shyness.
WHAT TREATMENTS ARE AVAILABLE?
Most of the time, no treatment is needed other than sensitivity and reassurance on the part of the parents. Some children develop transient shyness or social withdrawl in response to a stressful situation at home (such as illness of a parent); in these cases, the child's shyness usually disappears within six months to a year after the problem has been resolved.
Some children become socially withdrawn because they have not learned the social skills necessary to make friends or interact with other children. Many will learn these skills when placed in less stressful situations, such as playing with a younger child or in a small group, where they feel safe enough to take on a more active social role.
HELPING A CHILD OVERCOME SHYNESS
Shy children tend to judge themselves negatively. A supportive, benevolent home environment will help them outgrow shyness. Try these approaches:
• Recognize that the child can't help being shy; he is not being stubborn or willful.
• Avoid speaking for the child or apologizing for his behavior.
• Do not tease the child about shyness, which can only damage self-esteem and worsen the problem.
• Don't apply negative labels to the child.
• Gently encourage rather than force participation with strangers or in unfamiliar situations.
• Encourage the child to rehearse for uncomfortable events in the security of the home.
• Do not deny the reality of the child's fear.
• Encourage your child to participate with other children, but don't push.
• Arrange occasionally for the shy child to play in small groups or with a child about a year younger to make it easier for him to take an active leadership role.
• Foster higher self-esteem by emphasizing the things the child does well.
• Avoid labeling your child as shy so he won't use the trait as an excuse for avoiding undesirable situations.
